(4th/10 PART “FEAR OF REJECTION”)
We all have an image of ourselves , of who we are, of how we look, is what is called in psychology “self-concept”.
It is the opinion that we have of ourselves and that is usually good, because we tend to ignore the variables that we consider not consistent with the set that we wanted to create from our personality .
We like to feel that we are special, that we bring value and even in some aspects good people and that is why we think that everyone would have to like us .
Self- concept is not the same as self-esteem , but it comes in some way positively or negatively feedback from the social environment in which we move.
So if we are not accepted socially, our self – concept comes into conflict and negatively influences our self – esteem .
Self- concept are the beliefs and ideas we perceive of ourselves, but self-esteem is our own assessment of these ideas and beliefs.
When we feel that people do not appreciate our work, our talent, our company or even our simple presence, we feel a disagreement with our self-concept.
We do not understand why people do not love us and do not appreciate us, we get into a confusion that sometimes leads us to question whether our self-concept is wrong .
We give more value to the ideas and conceptions of others than to our own, consequently our low self-esteem , sometimes dramatically, causing depression and this is a mistake that we have to avoid for our psychological well-being.
The fact that an opinion is more popular or that comes from a person meaningful to you or others does not mean that it is more valid than yours. Why should it be?
Why is the number of people who think the same way greater ? Or why is the opinion of a person recognized as influential or “popular” in your environment or in society, and why is it somehow more valuable than yours?
Do you really think that if a person does not consider you adapted to be their partner, it is because there is something about you that is not good? Absolutely not. It is not enough to justify it, it lacks logical consistency .
We may not be perfect, but that is not what moves a person to make a decision. Although sometimes it seems that it is, fundamentally it is not our “defects” that make someone have a negative opinion of us.
But, how do we explain that sometimes, people with obvious defects are accepted in a group; and on other occasions people who do not objectively have so many defects are rejected, apparently without reason ?
And what about the typical question that women usually ask themselves when they are rejected by their partners and replaced by another: what does she have that i don’t have ? Surely nothing, or a lot, depending on which way you talk.
But the important thing is not that, the really important thing is that he has thus decided, moved from his own internal motivations , which we don’t know, and that perhaps, he himself does not know consciously; but that is the reason why he now thinks it is more convenient to change partner.
Behind that opinion, there is a whole complicated mechanism of internal motivations, which do not depend on how we are as a person ; but of what they think is more convenient for them at that time.
The emotional and psychological state of that moment can influence. More practical interests and reach a professional or economic objective, they can determine an opinion.
There are many external variables than “us” , by which people have an opinion about others.
But what really matters is that it is simply an opinion , not a true objective value of our person. And as such it cannot be considered valid, even when it is positive.
The emotional independence will allow us to value ourselves according to our real, personal, and objective criteria , without need for external conditioning.