(6TH/10 PART “FEAR OF REJECTION”)
Being afraid is inevitable, we cannot control this type of irrational emotions , but we can maintain some how to use the extra energy that this fear gives us.
We can paralyze, run away or confront the situation we perceive as adverse.
Obviously at this point, identifying and discerning if that situation represents a real danger is essential to act accordingly to a rational and convenient criterion .
For example, the fear of public speaking which we have mentioned before, is one of the most widespread fears in the global population.
There are even some statistical results in this regard, which have shown an interesting fact: most of the people surveyed, put forward the fear of speaking in public to the fear of their death.
Why might speaking in public cause more fear ? If it is not an objective danger that threatens our survival?
It could be mainly for two reasons : one, of which we have already spoken, would be that your ideas and beliefs in reference to the perception of what is dangerous or not, are deformed and therefore erroneous.
But also a particularly interesting one, which is that the idea that we are going to die someday, is assumed . It is inevitable and above all it is natural and that is why it is accepted .
Curiously, they are the same characteristics that fear of rejection has. So a question arises: Accepting the fear of rejection as something natural and common to all, could help us reduce the anxiety it causes us?
Of course. Apparently this acceptance has great power , it can somehow take away the fear that a given situation or fact causes us, even if it is “objectively adverse” as is the fact of dying.
This is a powerful tool. And we must use it to improve our psychological mechanisms in our cognitive thinking.
If we accept to see a situation, as something normal and that is not bad, because in fact it is natural , we will end up “getting used” to the stress that it can cause at the beginning.
Another mechanism that works is to interpret the excitement produced by fear, as an emotion . An intense emotion, strong, but after all, a simple emotion that happens and is normal.
Indeed, this is how, when we are afraid, we produce adrenaline , a substance that provides us with that extra energy to overcome the supposed danger, the same that we produce when we have a strong emotion. Why not take advantage of this coincidence , and interpret this energy rush to our interest ?
As we can foresee, other people are also thinking in a wrong way , so their opinion about you has no rational consistency and does not have a logical motivation that can be considered acceptable.
This is where your emotional independence comes in your help .
Create and develop an adequate independence in your thoughts, beliefs and above all, your emotions; It will not only help you overcome many situations that cause you anxiousness and fear, strengthening your ability to discern real danger , but it will increase your self-esteem .
Let’s go back to the previous example, imagine that you have to speak in front of an audience for professional reasons, obviously you are supposed to give a good image of yourself.
You want them to accept you, appreciate your contribution and value it positively. But above all you don’t want to be rejected , right? Even that “idea” tempts you , that you could escape and leave all behind. Even if it means giving up everything positive that this experience could bring you.
It’s normal, it’s a lot of anxiety that causes you. Physically you feel your legs shake and your heart throbs in your chest, there is a moment that you feel to the point of collapse.
But why would you have to give up an experience that can be beneficial for your professional career, if in reality that danger of life is supposed and not real?
Precisely because you could do without it, it is not so important . At least not the importance we think.
The fact that a public discourse goes wrong will not be a reason for them to decide to end your life. But also surely neither theprofessional consequences will be as serious , or at least, not unrecoverable as we think at that time. Isn’t that right?
Of course, that speech, even if it is exposed in the most ridiculous way possible, will not impede your professional development and advancement , if you are determined to advance in your career.
How many politicians and influencers embarrass themselves everyday! And nothing happens, even sometimes that unfortunate exhibition shows an advantage increasing their popularity, making themselves noticed.
The fact is that we tend to exaggerate and distort the danger we perceive.
We give too much importance to the judgment of others, an importance that does not really have.
We have to admit the assumption that in this case, it could have a certain professional importance. But we also have to admit that in no way will the supposed “failure” be final.
Of course it can be surpassed and accepted as another experience. An experience that can help you improve your exposure methods for the next challenge. But above all, and this is very important, it is not a personal attack .
We tend to perceive a negative opinion, as an attack on our person . That is why we see social rejection as a vital danger , we interpret social failure as a “social death”.
But the truth is that even if it seems , it isn’t a personal attack; maybe because you know that person seems unfriendly for some reason, for example; Generally, others, like yourself, have their own internal motivations that determine and influence their perceptions and that in fact have nothing to do with you personally.
Generally people are more self-centered in themselves, unfortunately. But at certain times the awareness of this “lack of personal interest” can be beneficial, as it is in this case.
Even when it seems they are positively or negatively interested in someone, they are actually focusing their interests towards them .
They are usually moved by their own internal motivations and personal interests , not by a special interest to cause you personal injury.
You are there by chance, and in your place another person could perfectly be there, and the reaction would be the same. I assure you.
This apparently may not give such a relief, but it is the first step to reach an emotional independence in order to be able to transcend the opinion of others , whether positive or negative and the power it has over us.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE: WHEN THE OCCASION IS PRESENTED TO US
In the same way, it happens when we want to approach a girl we like, to start a conversation with the hope that it can lead to a successive date. Surely it has happened to you, it has happened to all of us.
The speech that seemed very convincing to you and that you have repeated so many times in your head, now seems absurd and meaningless .
The fear of a possible rejection by the girl is your main thought, creating a state of anxiety and stress difficult to contain.
But even if this happens, that she reject you, do you really think that is so terrible to prevent your life from being full of satisfaction and be happy?
We return to the same topic as before, in so many occasions, you don’t want to expose yourself to rejection, you prefer to let it be. It means that it is not as important or as “essential” to you as you thought at the time.
The worst is the moment just before approaching her or him, the speech so beautiful that you had prepared so carefully, seems to have been lost in the confusion of your mind.
You feel unable to say a word and if in the end you manage to get some articulated sound out of your mouth, then you are embarrassed to think that your speech has been pathetic and above all that “it has not reflected at all the feeling you wanted to show” .
If the girl also rejects you , you will blame yourself for your failure . What is wrong with me? The answer will be filled immediately with so many valid reasons why you think the girl has rejected you.
You convince yourself that it is you who fails and that others are right.
The truth is that your life does not depend on the outcome of that situation .
The opinion that this girl or boy can have about you, at that moment, to consider you not adapted for her / him, is not enough reason for you to be disturbed and not continue the search for your happiness.
Surely the opinion they has about you is conditioned . Not so much of what they knows about you as a person or what you can offer them, but of their own internal filter .
But also of their mood, the one they has at that moment and their own motivations that you don’t even know.
These are the real reasons that will determine the outcome of that situation.
It is not up to you , it depends on considerations external to your person, which you are not responsible for in any way.
If you are not the chosen one, nothing happens , she or he also has the right to freely make their own decisions .
But the fact that do not match yours , does not mean that your value as a person is diminished in any way.
The value of your self-esteem should not be conditioned by a simple opinion or preference of someone. All opinions can be questionable and are not definitive .
This is the case in most situations, in which you may find yourself in your life. The rejection you can get from a person you considered a friend, even from a close relative, or from a simple acquaintance, will surely not depend on you.
Normally people make decisions taking into account the other circumstances they have in their lives , and not exclusively because of a specific situation in which a particular person intervenes.
We ourselves interpret it as personal .