Surely it have happened to you sometimes, in fact to me so many times. We get an idea, a project, and the first thing we do is go all excited, and tell someone about it in our social group. Then, without knowing how or why, things don’t go your way and you don’t achieve your goals .
Why does this happen? Well, it will seem odd, but mainly because you have made your goal public .
Contrary to what it may seem, to tell people you know about your goals and projects is not a good idea. Now I tell you why.
There are many reasons why we decided to tell others what our projects and ideas are.
Usually when we think of doing something, a project to be done, we feel the immediate impulse to communicate it to someone to share the joy and enthusiasm it makes us. It’s so nice when they congratulate us! We feel a very gratifying emotion.
Well, bad news, surely this will be the cause of your failure. Precisely that feeling of satisfaction will be the one that will lead you to not fulfill the effort required to reach your goal. Later you will understand why.
We may also want to say it simply by talking with friends or colleagues about something interesting you want to do. Even sometimes, we feel our own “need” to communicate our projects to feel supported and more confident.
The bad thing is that very often, when doing this, we don’t know very well why, but then we did not manage to do what we wanted. The curious thing is that there is always the same constant : we made it public .
And as we have said, this is precisely the main cause for which you do not achieve your goals .
We are not the only saying this, in 2009 an interesting article in Psychological Science showed the results of a social experiment, in which he demonstrated this.
Suppose that for the next course you have decided to start that career that has always interested you, or that you have proposed in order to reach your weight form and lose those extra kilos. You, all happy go and tell your friends about it.
They obviously felicitate you and encourage you for your decision. Then you don’t know how, on Monday chosen to start the diet, it is postponed to Monday of the following week, and so on; or in the months before enrolling in the course you lose interest in that career that used to interest you so much. The end, we know it, we have seen it on many occasions: you do not achieve your goal , right?
Do you know why you don’t make it? Because in saying it to other people, you have somehow already received the compensation you expected to achieve .
Your friends, your acquaintances have already recognized the merit, they have given you in advance and in part the gratification that you expected to accomplish your goal. They have congratulated you for something that you have not yet done or achieved, but somehow it has become a “ social reality ”.
Something similar happens like when we try to reach an agreement with our children, if you are parents, surely it has surely happened to you . We try to convince them to do something that is convenient for them and we promise them a prize at the end. But sometimes that doesn’t convince them and they want the prize before, at that time. In the hope that they do so, we accept and give it to them before they comply with what was agreed. How many times have we been fooled! True?
Of course, if you receive the prize before , why are you going to bother after, doing something for which you have already obtained a compensation.
Something like this happens when we receive congratulations in advance , it gives us the impression that we have already achieved our goal . It seems that our friends already see us thinner, as if by the fact of saying it we had already achieved the weight form. When it really isn’t.
The same happens when they congratulate us on our future career, it seems that they already consider us as architects, or engineers. But we haven’t even started the first lesson! Somehow we have already received one of the compensation for which we had decided to do that project. We have achieved our goal of public identity .
The early recognition of something that we have not yet achieved , in part removes the motivation for which we had decided to achieve that objective. An emotion of substitution is generated . In 1926, Kurt Lewin , founder of social psychology also called it that.
When we announce our intention to commit ourselves to an identity objective in public, that announcement is counterproductive .
Because unconsciously the motivation is lost and internal obstacles appear that prevent the achievement of your target.
Momentarily we have received in part the compensation we expected, the recognition of our friends and acquaintances, ultimately the attention of social group. But indeed we are the same as before. That is why we are equally frustrated , because we have not really achieved what we wanted.
When we decide to do something, we do it for several reasons. If we achieve gratification before by any of them, we are obviously demotivated in part. This makes it cost us even more to accomplish what we wanted, we do not find enough motivation to make the effort of achieving our goal.
When we consider doing something, our project becomes our goal . But to achieve it requires a path that must be followed . A process through which you have to go before getting it. This process usually requires time and effort . And for that we need to be sufficiently motivated.
If we take away part of that motivation beforehand, it will undoubtedly cost us more and consequently the probability that we achieve our goal is lower .
THE “NEGATIVE” INFLUENCE OF OTHERS
It may not seem, but behind a smile, there is not always a good intention. Let’s say things as they are. The one you consider a friend may be wishing your failure deep down or on the surface.
As much as it costs us to admit, sometimes our friends, acquaintances or family members do not always understand the motivations of our desires. They do not always support us and want “our good” objectively.
By communicating our project to certain people who do not have the certain guarantee of their loyalty to us, we run a great risk.
We, when considering an objective that excites us, project around us, so to speak, a positive energy field . Science explains it best, we are surrounded by an electromagnetic field that is modified according to our mental and emotional state .
Our thoughts are projected in the form of energy that are our emotions and these can be felt and others can too. When we feel joy, creative and optimistic thoughts, that is, positive emotions, we emit alpha waves , secreting higher levels of serotonin, reduce stress and have a greater ability to learn and solve problems.
So our emotions are powerful. Emotions are pure energy, very useful and beneficial, that we have to use to achieve our goals . This positive energy can lead us to do very valuable things for us and bring us well-being to our lives.
But in the same way, what gives you good “vibrations”, another may have the opposite effect, for other internal motivations, because that day she/he is angry about something unknown to you, even, or simply for convenience or own comfort.
The fact that you make the decision to face a challenge that can lead you to success, can cause negative emotions in another person , their irritation, restlessness or sudden fear produces beta waves. In fact they may feel envious, it is typical, but also resentment, anger or seemingly unjustified jealousy, that in fact are there.
That person will be creating around them a negative field of emotions , contrary to your desires and aspirations , which can jeopardize the achievement of your project .
Although they smiles at you, you don’t really know their thoughts and emotions , and therefore their intentions either. You cannot assess the extent to which their negative emotions can influence you. What is clear, is that consciously or unconsciously it will create around them “bad vibrations”, which can spoil your purposes , influencing your emotions with doubts and “bad vibes”.
Better to get away from these people or better to say nothing about your purposes beforehand.
WHEN THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND US: EVERYONE THINKS ABOUT THEMSELVES
When we decide to carry out a project, we are obviously also driven by internal desires and motivations that are sometimes unknown to others , and therefore sometimes our purposes may unexpectedly fall as a surprise in our family or social group .
It is the typical case that happens when you are young and you like to sing, one day you realize that you would like to participate at some talent show of the moment because you think you would have enough possibilities. The decision in your social environment can affect in many ways and provoke different responses .
For example, your family may not support you . Your mother may think it is silliness of the child , it will end over time ; your father may tell you that you should think about the future and not about that nonsense and that ” that will not feed you “; and your older sister may say: ” But you sing so bad !”
Of course, although you could guess what their reaction were going to be, deep down you expected them to understand you and support you, at least in this one thing that made you so excited. You expected to find in others the confidence you lacked. It is normal. But that is another topic that we will talk about another time.
But why does that happen?
Well, for a simple reason. It is that everyone sees things from their own perspective. Although it seems strange , not always among family or friends there is a same way of perceiving and valuing things. People’s opinions are usually driven by their internal motivations, even when they are in the same environment or emotionally bonded.
Your mother’s opinion may be motivated by the belief that this project will cause her discomfort from having to accompany you to the singing sessions, and your father thinks it is a waste of time and money, and your sister may be motivated simply by the envy that would cause her if you manage to be popular and interesting more than her.
In this case the rejection is direct, you see it and listen to it. But sometimes rejection also exists behind a smile, as we told you.
This also happens when we tell our friends, with them we assume that our project is safe. They should know us and know how much is important to us, and therefore we look forward to their unconditional support . Actually it is not always like that.
In fact we receive support , it is true, and with much enthusiasm. An enthusiasm that happens though jokes and then to the doubts that inexorably lead you to give up . At that time we do not know why but it is so.
Has it ever happened to you that you have told your project of doing a business to a friend?
You do not know why but after doing so, little by little the circumstances have led you to not being able to achieve your goal .
And you had their support, at least in appearance. You could not say why, but you have the doubt that they did not support you at all and that some of that has had to do with your failure. You know it but you can’t prove it. Is it true?
It seems pure paranoia, but it really has a reason.
As we have said, people are also unconsciously moved by internal motivations . So sometimes they do not show what their real desires and intentions are , because sometimes they are not even aware of them.
A person may be a good friend on certain occasions, but if certain others arise, they may react in a way you did not expect. How many disappointments we have had! Moved by envy or the inconvenience that means you achieving a purpose.
Your achievement may show their inability to achieve something similar, it makes them upset in some way. Unintentionally, this circumstance puts them in comparison with you and consequently in an unexpected competition .
Somehow, you have disturbed their state of equilibrium . I tell you how.
OUR COMFORT ZONE NEXT TO OTHERS
The fact that you have planned to achieve a goal requires a process that begins in the action of leaving your comfort zone . A safe and well-known area , where others are used to seeing you and from which they confront you .
If you go out and start a path that can lead you to success, even in an irrelevant thing or that has no interest for others, but for you it is important, because it is your desire. Somehow you put them in an awkward situation . It shouldn’t, but it is like that.
Some may be directly jealous , others may feel diminished by the simple fact that you have the courage to undertake a challenge to which they would be unable to expose themselves. But you also up the ante, raise the level and unbalance the state of comfort of all of your social environment. You climb one more step and therefore cause a feeling of competition .
Fundamentally, they don’t want you to do it , not so much because they dislike you, but because you just bother them . They are comfortable in their comfort zone, along with you and everyone else . They have everything under control and they don’t understand, why you have and why they have to bother. Of course, they have the problem here, your decisions should not cause any inconvenience to them, but it is so.
Because sometimes, you feel better having your friends next to you. And achieving success in something can mean distancing , not only physical but also emotional . They are afraid of losing you, they have to do without what you contribute to the relationship. It seems selfish, and it may be so.
This happens even with the people who love us most, for example mothers. Sometimes they are too ” protective “, to the point of not leaving room for their child to perform in their own passions . But this is another issue, which we will discuss on another occasion.
What happens is that the “others” try, consciously or unconsciously to stop you from leaving the comfort zone .
They may tell you directly with phrases like: “ But how are you going to do that? You’re crazy. If you do not even … “or” you will not get it, you do not have enough talent, there are many better than you “,” I know Joey, who has tried, but has lost everything, it is very difficult “,” I don’t think it’s a good idea for you, it would be better … ”
In general, these direct or indirect comments, are a great danger , because they end up being accepted as a valid suggestion, modifying your initial approach .
But others also try to discourage you in an unconscious and very subtle way, nor do they almost realize they are showing their disagreement . With a smile, a small movement of the lip, they shows an invaluable gesture of doubt. You don’t even notice, at the beginning. But little by little, the tone of a word, their attitude, without knowing in what way they are sending you contradictory messages, that create real doubts .
Consciously or unconsciously , these doubts end up influencing you , to a greater or lesser extent. These “bad vibes” will gradually create uncertainty and lead you to demotivate you , causing you to abandon your project , even before you start.
EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE WILL MAKE YOU ACHIEVE YOUR OBJECTIVES
If you have doubts that this person can understand your purposes, it is much better to avoid their supposed support and not tell them at all. I assure you that you can still get what you want.
Generally it is better not to tell anyone your projects and ideas . Why waste your energy and time telling others your goals, if that won’t bring you anything useful or beneficial?
There are only three cases in which you can tell your projects to others:
1. When you know for sure that the person is loyal to you and understands you .
2. When you are united in a common project , so you both want and work for the same target.
3. When it may be convenient to know other opinions, suggestions or constructive criticisms that can help detect errors in your project or substantially improve the result.
Obviously in the third case, you can go to a professional , so you will know with certainty that there will not be a negative influence on your project, but sometimes there may be some person in your social environment, who by their objectivity and discretion can be useful and assist you.
Of course, in all cases it is essential to have sufficient emotional independence and objectivity , to choose the suggestions that may be useful to us and discard those that we consider not convenient, without being affected by criticism, whether they are positive or negative .
There is a research in the psychological field that suggests that having a particular identity is a good motivator to be able to perform the actions that are required to achieve the success of a project.
Achieving a purpose always requires time and effort . A work process through which you have to go through to get success .
Making public your project or ideas, you will receive an illusory social reality of having already achieved your goal . Mind often confuses words with facts . It is better to wait and feel true satisfaction when you reach your target.
Because if you have felt that satisfaction, you will be less motivated to do the work and effort that requires getting where you want.
We should resist the temptation to announce our objective, although that means delaying the gratification that social recognition gives us . But if we cannot avoid saying it, by circumstances or for other reasons, we can communicate it in such a way that it does not give us satisfaction . For example, “ Yes, I have decided to go on a diet, but it will not be easy at all! In addition to avoiding sweets, I have to reduce the bread that I like so much. Like this is not enough, I also have to go to the gym twice a week and walk at least three kilometers a day. But I have to do it anyway! If not, how will I get into the bikini this summer?
For all that has been said, the next time we feel like telling our projects or ideas to someone, the best answer would be … silence .