(2nd/10 PART “FEAR OF REJECTION”)
The negative opinion of others hurts us . A damage we suffer, which we do not understand the real motive and therefore we simply want to avoid. This is our usual reaction.
That the rejection hurts we knew it already, who has not felt the pain, also physical that produces the rejection of a person from whom you wanted their attention or the pain that “hits” us when someone despises the effort of our work or dedication?
It seems that they have given us a punch in the face, and that is also what science says. Through a study, they have shown that in front of social rejection, the body releases the same substances it produces when it is hit .
For this same reason, it is also believed that there is a relationship between social rejection and the negative evolution of certain socially unacceptable diseases. It is thought that the patient’s excessive fear of social rejection can negatively influence the evolution of the disease .
The study also shows the possibility that there are people more sensitive to social rejections, at the time they produce a smaller amount of analgesic substances, which favor general well-being. For this reason, they would be more psychologically vulnerable to a negative social experience.
All of this tells us many things, but above all, it shows us that fear is natural and common to all people and that it is part of our peculiar way of “being human .”
HOW WE REACT TO FEAR
We are all afraid of rejection, who has not ever experienced a fear for the judgment that others might have of us?
We are always pressured by a feeling of overwhelm and anguish , because we feel constantly evaluated for everything we do, or do not do in our lives.
We are afraid of rejection, because we believe that exclusion could have negative consequences for us. Or at least it is what they have made us believe, then when it happens to you, that they exclude you, you realize and say: “ Well, look, it’s not that bad . It’s not as terrible as they said . ”
Of course, it is not better to be in a perennial anxiety, not being yourself , having to continually pretend to be what you are not. Even more when that brings nothing enriching or interesting to your life.
We are afraid that an important person for us will not love us and abandon us , because we believe that we are not handsome, intelligent or successful enough; that the teacher we admire, consider us a mediocre student because you did not pass an exam of his subject; that our best friend leave us for his new girlfriend; that our boss does not appreciate our work and lose confidence in our talent, because the presentation of the project he commissioned you has focused in the wrong way; or that the neighbor of the fifth considers us stupid, because once you didn’t know what to say when she greeted you smiling.
We think something bad will happen and that scares us . However, this is not the case, at least not always, and when it happens, the consequences are not as serious as we thought. Or there are no consequences at all or there are only advantages.
Fear paralyzes , mainly, but it also makes us flee, we tend to avoid situations in which we could be vulnerable to possible third party judgments.
We do not want to be evaluated , that way they will not be able to give a judgment and consequently they will not have reasons to reject us.
Unfortunately, this is not the case, as we have said before, some people are able to look for every imaginable excuse , even absurd or false to justify rejection or marginalization towards a person .
Our brain does not like to feel stupid, and that is why it creates motivations to justify itself , even if they are false.
They do not necessarily need concrete facts or objectives that motivate that judgment, it is enough for them to have their own personal motivations or conveniences . So avoiding exposure to situations, will not prevent you from being rejected, if that is what they have decided for their interests.
To fear that they reject you, makes you put the desires and tastes of others before your own . Fearfulness makes you always give in to the decisions of others without exposing your tastes or preferences.
This deprives you of a fundamental right that we have as a person: freedom . To be able to value and choose your own decisions according to your needs, conveniences or why not, also your desires .
THE ORIGIN OF FEAR TO BE REJECTED
Fear, besides being common to all human beings, is natural . We have already said it. That is, it derives from innate natural aversion to the risk posed by a certain threat. It is a normal response in all animals, including humans.
In situations of danger, fear allows us to adapt quickly with certain physiological reactions, which allow us to be more effective in preventing damage and preserving our survival. It provides us with that extra energy , necessary to face, flee or paralyze, if that is convenient.
From this perspective, fear is normal, natural , but also very beneficial and useful .
However, sometimes fear also occurs in situations that apparently and objectively do not pose a threat to our survival, for example when we have to speak in public.
As we usually say to encourage us: c’mon, they will not eat us! However, exposing ourselves to an audience creates a feeling so unpleasant that sometimes it paralyzes us or worse causes us anxiety.
This is also natural, since fright and concern of something is caused by the perception we have of a danger, whether real or imaginary , be it a present, future or even past danger .
WHY FEAR PARALYZES US
Fear causes a reaction of certain mechanisms that help us to avoid danger imminent and preserve our lives. But the mechanisms of the mind are so complex, often the danger we perceive is not as true as we think it is. Usually, we are not constantly in “danger of death.”
When the danger does not exist objectively, because it is a perception in the present, of the memory of a past danger or simply the threat, it does not represent a real danger to our life; if we have not been able to avoid it, we usually paralyze ourselves , causing us uselessly negative effects.
Because we give the wrong idea of who we are, and that can make the other person make an unfavorable decision for us.
We give a bad image of us, that is the truth, with that person who was waiting for an answer from us, and the only thing that lies ahead is a shy person who does not seem to know how to speak; or we give the impression that we have not studied for the oral exam. When you have really prepared it very well and you know everything. But with the nerves caused by talking in front of the class, you have gone blank, without saying a word. As a result and effectively, you get a bad grade. Unintentionally, we complicate life uselessly .